Sickness as a Weakness

Are our parents ignoring signs of seniors illness because they believe being sick is a weakness? That they should always just walk it off?

We have all been watching the news about the President having Covid, whether you are a supporter or not there has been much talk about recoveries, and how not wanting to be seen as sick is a mantra that can be dangerous for all. There have been claims that the WH hid information about the level of severity of the illness because it would give the appearance of weakness if he was sick.

I don’t find any of those accusations terribly mystifying given there is an entire generation of American’s that equate illness of any kind with weakness. I think some of it is generational. We all have stereotypes in mind of retirement communities where folks compare who they have read about in the obituaries, and their most recent ailments. Old folks complaining about corns, or arthritis, etc. These however area normal aging things , those that they choose to speak about . What they are are not talking about is memory diseases, cancer, or Covid.

For years my mom struggled with arthritis pain. I mean struggled. She had both hips and both knees replaced. She was treated for uterine cancer, she went through radiation and treatment without ever once complaining. She has had shingles, a debilitating and painful disease. Throughout it all she always love to tell people that the best cure was work. That she did not take Tylenol even after her surgeries ( truth is once they put her on morphine in the hospital and I received a panicked call from my father to come to hospital because she was hallucinating) . She prided herself on never allowing a sickness to get her down.

When she became ill 4-5 years ago it all started with bronchitis. She got sick and could not shake it. The Doctor prescribed antibiotics and she called me while I was on a vacation to ask me if I had read the patient information sheet for them. I had. She was not taking them because they could be worse than the disease. It was the first sign that she was slipping. I can not even begin to tell you how upset she was going round and round about the medication. She did not sound like herself. I was 900 miles away and had not clue.

I eventually turned around from my vacation after contacting her doctor and getting her in for testing.

It would be the beginning of this long journey.

My point in all this is that I had listened for so long to my mother saying she was fine, she was never sick, she never stopped working, she never took medications that when she was really ill I completely missed it. I kept thinking she would bounce back. Call me and tell me she was weeding the garden, or cleaning the garage.

This week my dad has had a problem with his leg aching. He often get’s gout so I suggested he take his gout medicine, and keep the leg elevated and if it was still bothering him on Monday to make appt. I suggested he take a tylenol or advil for the pain and he refused. It will work itself out he said.

When I was there this week I mentioned to dad that mom always had a stuffy nose and how this was often a symptom of dementia types, Lewy’s Body and Alzheimer’s and other types. I mentioned this because I wanted to remind him that she is not being contrary to be contrary, she is not being difficult to be difficult that she is ill and she can not help it. He truly believes she should walk it off. That one day she will wake up and be herself again. I try remind him directly but gently that her brain is damaged – it is not working correctly and the changes that annoy him, ” she won’t dust” , “she won’t do laundry” , are just who she is now. My mother did everything for 75 years. I mean everything, paid bills, invested their money, chose their insurance, cleaned house and cut the sections in my dad’s grapefruit. Now she can not .

Neither of them believe they can be really sick. They believe that shear will will cure you. They believe that being sick is a sign of weakness and I something to be embarrassed about. They will see doctors , and most often do what the doctor says, but only if pushed or if they are so scared they might die ( my dad had to have a pacemaker this year – he had ignored his heart after warnings from his doctor and was trying to prove he could do push ups when his heart rate dropped into the teens) . AND still he does what they told him not to .

This weekend pushed by all the news of sickness and annoyed at the press and the world in general I got really upset with Dad when he was marching about with sore leg and breathing heavy and said “stop it” you are only proving that you are a selfish human being not that you are infallible. You are proving you don’t give a shit about what happens to mom because if something happens to you then what? I was so angry I had to excuse myself and go outside.

After calming down I tried to talk to him. Honestly I don’t believe he heard a word I said. He was more upset mom had forgotten how to make Rice pudding than he was that he had just repeated and activiity that had landed him the hospital during a pandemic. I gave up .

Their refusal to discuss mom’s illness or to be real about their aging bodies is my biggest challenge. My father told he me does not plan on dying. I said “the graveyard was full of folks who did not plan on dying.”

It should be said my father is very Democrat and when he continued the other day to tell me how he was as strong as a horse and mom should just stop doing what she was doing I reminded him that the man he complains about all the time acts exactly like he does. I don’t think that landed very well.

There is a generation of American’s that refuse to take their health seriously , their children imploring them to eat better, or to stop climbing ladders after having balance issues, imploring their parents to seek attention when their memory or actions are unusual. We have to remind ourselves that there’s is the generation that believed in mind over matter, and the power of positive thinking, and the idea that if you put mentally ill people in a hospital and make them work it would cure them. Truth is sometimes it helps to refocus on something other than an ache or a pain or a small illness. It does not however cure you. They do not hand out awards at the pearly gates for those who took the least amount of aspirin in their life.

I say all this as I reluctantly make my yearly check up appointment. I have some health issues I do not discuss and often ignore. I am determined not to be that generation . Not to push off what I can deal with. But I will admit it’s a struggle.

I don’t know that I will ever get Dad to understand that mom is not being ‘lazy’ or weak. OR that I will get him to take his own health seriously. I can however do what I can do. In the end as I told him,,, well we all have to die from something.

My warning dear friends is if you see something that feel not right about your parents health. Try to convince them to get help. Try to convince them to seek attention. When explaining illness to them, whether it be a memory disorder or physicall complaint. Explain it them multiple times.

Other tips and tricks ( And some are tricks)

I read all medication inserts for my parents – I ask about interactions with other drugs. I do not let my mother have the inserts because she will focus on the .001% chance of it killing her.

I do however try to keep her from taking any medication that is not improving the quality of her life with her doctors help. She was on 9 medicines when this all started to happen she is now on 2 .

When explaining to my father about her limitations I remind myself he too has cognitive limitations. I try to use analogies that apply to him. ( Mom has a broken thermostat ) he complains about her always being cold or hot, etc.

I push until there is no more pushing. I will not have screaming matches with my parents. I will not treat them like they are children. I tell them what I think , then if I need to I walk away , I will likely tell them again. I try not to make it a battle of wills. ( I don’t always succeed)

Tell them, walk away, Tell them again.

Eventually it may help.

If you parents have reached a point where they are unsafe, multiple falls, risky behavior beyond (walk it off mentality) , reach out to their Doctor and their other care givers and get help. There are systems in place that can help you. Sometimes and outsider can reach them. Sometimes it’s as simple as not wanting to take orders from their child.

You can also get social services involved in extreme cases. If you think a parent is raging, or dangerous, or is a wanderer, get help , keep asking until you get help. Do not ignore it.

Other Safety Concerns?

Home Again and the Real World Crashes in.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

My mom has had mixed diagnosis. The general consensus is that it’s likely mental illness (depression and anxiety) exacerbated by Vascular Dementia. When she first became ill we thought perhaps it was Lewys but her hallucinations have dissipated and she now has unrealistic worries, and does sometimes become paranoid but overall it it primarily the anxiety and depression that is the worst.

Here is the thing though – she knows it’s happening and that is the crux of the problem. Because she can not organize her thoughts, and everything seems insurmountable to her she becomes anxious and depressed. There is a part of me that wishes she was completely unaware of the way her brain is malfunctioning. She told me today – that she can not think straight, that all things are mixed up and she is fighting it. I can see it in her face, the lines of worry the scrunched up brow, she wants to make heads and tails of every thing that’s going on and can’t . So she rocks and says “I just don’t know what we are going to do”.

Before this – she had a plan – a plan that included hiring someone when the time came to help her and Dad but now they are both resistant to it. At some point it will have to happen but for now I am managing.

Today there was some banking being done, Dad had me fill out the paperwork with him and I applauded that he ask me to help rather than struggle with it. He called in a panic yesterday because he had started to read the forms and could not make sense of them. This happens more and more to him. The constant worry and care he is giving mom has broken him as well and I believe he too is suffering from cognitive deficits. His presents with angry outburst , mad at everyone. Truth is he is mad at himself and he too knows it’s happening. Any time we have to do paperwork, my mother goes into a tail spin, she is certain something will be done wrong, and they will have tax liabilities ( she knows this is a thing taxes and she knows she can not understand them) She is worried that the bank will screw something up she worries that they will lose it all . It took me 20 minutes to talk to the investment folks and get he paper work filled out correctly. It took me 2 hours to talk my mother into taking a seat and letting me worry about it rather than pacing about and commenting on how messed up it all was. ( Surely this is not good for self confidence – as if she thinks I too am incapable) She will often say your father thinks he knows what he is doing but he does not.

This is the level of confusion and anxiety they have though-

1. Signing and filling out forms has to be done one line at a time. Slowly reading it several times. They will often ask 20 minutes later if it they did it right.
2. Getting an express mail envelope from post office became such a now what do we ask for, and who do we ask ordeal that I just went to post and did it. And even then – when I said just take it to the post and pay them , they seemed confused so I said seal it and I will drive back and get it and mail it. Simple task with multiple steps are too overwhelming.
3. The bank locally directed them to a larger branch for the signing. I told them I could go with them if they scheduled it here and there – but NOT this time. They scheduled it for that time. So it was easier for me to arrange it.

Each one of those steps required me to speak on the phone on their behalf which means giving the person on the phone their permission. I have POA but this in itself is complicated it must be filed ( it is) , and it must be presented to each person you are dealing with so it’s easier to get them to verbally approve. It took 4 hours today to do something that should have taken 30 minutes. That’s no big deal I get that things take more time, but by the time I got home a new crisis had occured.

My phone was ringing as I walked in the house . It takes me 1 hour and 10 minutes to get home. He started the call – “I have a big problem. “

The neighbor brought food. The neighbor has shared left over ‘school’ lunch food with them. ( prepared lunches for students) . There are several cups of peas and carrots. My father panicked – what will we do with all these peas and carrots and chocolate milk cartons .

The big problem was peas and carrots. Not the banking, not the paper work but Peas and Carrots and chocolate milk.

We walked through how to bag the peas and carrots and put in the freezer – and I said either drink the milk or save it for me. BIG problem solved.

The funny thing is that he had completely forgot about how upset he was over the banking issues. That was gone.

So guess if I want pea’s ‘ until Thursday when we finish his paperwork I should be thankful for peas and carrots distracting him.

Did I mention we are selling my inlaws home at the same time? And I am still looking for a job since being layed off.. Probably not.

I do love peas and carrots and Chocolate milk. ( My mother was in the background saying – Oh lord what will we do with all these peas and carrots) .

It took everything I had not tell her to quit complaining there are starving children who would love them. The old mom would have made peas and carrot pie.

Finding ways to find humor is my new part time job. I had to laugh at the worry over extra food. It diverted from the other issues that I know are looming. I will need to pay closer attention to the mail when I visit and offer to take over some of the bill paying.

The time is coming when they will not get a vote about having help in the home. I will put it off as long as they are safe. I have neighbors who check in on them each day. They still do their laundry heat up food in the microwave prepared ahead and do dishes. That’s more than most college kids can do.

I keep laying the ground work and explaining it’s coming. I know it’s soon . The whole point of their scrimping and saving all those years was just this moment. Keep them at home as long as they can. But at the end of the day – one of them will fall, or get hurt or sick and that decision will no longer be theres and that moment is scary like a freight train.

Vascular dementia

The second most common type of dementia is vascular dementia. It’s caused by a lack of blood flow to the brain. Vascular dementia can happen as you age and can be related to atherosclerotic disease or stroke.

Symptoms of vascular dementia can appear slowly or suddenly, depending on what’s causing it. Confusion and disorientation are common early signs. Later on, people also have trouble completing tasks or concentrating for long periods of time.

Vascular dementia can cause vision problems and sometimes hallucinations as well.