Tomato Soup and my Great Escape.

First let me say it’s extremely important you take time for yourself if you are a caregiver. Under normal circumstances it can be so daunting, depressing, and draining. The three D’s they should call it. These days add in the stress of the election, political volatility and all the negative news, a Pandemic which further complicates care giving or worse- your parent is in a care home where you can not care give or visit, and what you have is a recipe for exhaustion, fatigue and depression.

There are some great articles out there that deal with this topic so I won’t belabor it.

https://www.caregiver.org/taking-care-you-self-care-family-caregivers is a good place to start. There are many very well written articles on this topic. Please do some research. Reach out to friends and family and ask for help.

Being over worked, stressed , tired all those things will cause you to loose patience more quickly, and can lead to mix ups with medications , or appointments, or just put a damper on visits. It’s okay to tell your parents you need a break. Trust me there were times when we kids were enough to drive our parents over the edge and they slipped out for an evening without us.

This past week despite the pandemic I took a break and headed out of town for three days. I asked my sister to be the daily caller. Yeh she is 900 miles away but she can call and check in and then call me if anything terrible is happening. I also contacted two neighbors and let them know I was going out of town and could they check on my parents and they did. For my parents part while they both wished me a relaxing and nice time they did lay on the guilt a bit, telling me how much they would miss me, and how lonely it would be.

My father was more worried about who would get their groceries . I assured him they had enough food to last the three days I would be gone, but should they need something the neighbor would get it for them. Per his usual way he waited for me to get a few miles out of town and called needing ice cream. I informed him it would wait til I got back. No one I had known starved to death for lack of ice cream. He tends to get stuck on a particular food or topic and not be able to let it go.

I had a lovely time, walked the beaches and enjoyed the company of a friend. We ate mostly at our rental and avoided crowds and were as safe as we could be knowing I would return to my parents. We were lucky and found that there were no crowds, and that we could walk the neighborhood or beach without interaction with others. I Still phoned a couple of times, but mostly to tell them about my day I avoided asking them any leading questions about how they were doing ( my sister was keeping me informed) . I know from experience a great day can be ruined quickly when one of them tells me about a sore foot, or a headache or some perceived worry , I drop everything to deal with it and find they have forgotten what it was they had me worried about. I knew they were healthy well fed and safe .

I was also only 2 hours away so I knew I could get home should I need to. It was my great escape. It was well deserved and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Though now I am battling a bit of depression because you so quickly get thrown back into the routine – nothing really get ‘s done until you return, and you know it’s all there waiting for you.

So today was grocery catch up day. Additionally my father had found a recipe in a magazine for homemade tomato soup. Now I don’t know why he can not open a can of soup. He has can’s of soup, but he never opens them to heat up with their sandwich when I am not there. He has multiple kinds, from the basics tomato , chicken noodle, to frozen soup I have made vegetable, chicken noodle, meatball soup. He is convinced he should cook. Even when I tell him that really with the conveniences available there is no reason to cook anything too complicated that there are short cuts for most things. He was stuck on making this particular soup. I guess it just sounded good to him.

We have had some kitchen fails – steak and eggs ( this is hard because over cook the steak and you get eggs and leather) , same result with baked chicken. It was fine once the next time I turned up the heat to do it faster ( more leather). He has made cobbler, pudding, and macaroni salad with some success. He has also made spaghetti, with canned sauce, frozen meatballs and pasta.

My mom will not eat anything he makes, but he is certain he is going to cook something that she will eat and he will have accomplished something. She refuses. No matter what it is. I made macaroni salad at their house with him. Made it exactly as I would make it but because he made it she would not try it. Yet she eats two helpings of the same exact recipe that is made in my house. She is worried he will leave the stove on, won’t clean up or will under cook something and give them food poisoning – despite that fact he is more apt to choke them making leather like meat never undercooked.

So I told him upon my return we would make soup. It was simple enough. So after we ate lunch ( not for lunch because mom was pacing saying she wanted to eat. ) We set about making soup.

The recipe was for a huge amount. For some reason he has no concept of how much things are in volume. I explained that 64 oz of soup was more than he could eat in a month. So we needed to cut the recipe. I wrote it down for him as I cut the recipe. We added a little too much sugar and to me it was too sweet. I think without the additional sugar it would have been okay. If you want it from scratch it’s a great way to make it and you control the sodium – though tomato juice has plenty of sodium in it as well. (see recipe below).

As we were doing it though I realized that he is not going to remember any of it and will likely not make it again – he just likes the idea of cooking, he wants some variety and he wants me to spend time with him showing him how to do it.

Most of his days look exactly the same. He get’s up, he get’s mom up, they eat breakfast, he putters in the yard, ( if she is not too anxious) and then they eat lunch. Once a week they go to the drive through at Wendy’s . The rest of the time if I am not coming over his life is very two dimensional. It’s hard on him. I know that, and his lack of compassion for mom at times irks me, I get angry at him and scold him. The truth is though he can’t run away. He does not get a break. Even if I offered to let him go for a few days and I stayed with her – he would not do it. I have encouraged him to go to senior center etc. But he won’t his only diversion is me, or the neighbor .

So I suppose making ‘meh’ tomato soup is a small price to pay for his sanity. The truth is if mom passes before him he would cook more. At least he will be able to make a few things for himself.

I am working on getting him use to outside help. Hoping that having someone come in to do some cleaning will enable him to take more time for himself. Mom of course hates it, but like most things she will begrudgingly put up with it after a while. The next step will be to get someone who can help mom with daily things – perhaps giving him a break from the task of always being the nag about showers, or laundry or changing clothes. All of which are a battle.

Next week I am going to make it my goal to find something we can make together that is not quite so unexciting – but still easy. Suggestions?

The Basics – Tomato Soup ( google the recipe for the full volume) I cut it by 4

1 tablespoon of butter

1 tablespoon of flour

pinch of garlic/onion powder

pinch of curry powder

Melt butter and stir in flower in the pan with spices -making a roux – I did take the time to explain to Dad what we were doing that we were making a paste to thicken the soup.

Then add – 2 cups of tomato juice and 1 tbls of sugar.

Bring to slow boil and thicken.

That’s it . The whole thing. It’s not likely to win you any competition but if your looking for something to warm you up it will do the trick. I would have added a little heat to it ( tabasco) or something but I try to keep things simple and bland for them. Besides in this case it was not the soup he wanted but the companionship.